FROM THE NEWSPAPERS!
Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey (62) about a large
gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree it was rather
high for the time of year. It is possible Mr. Purdey has been charged
for the gas used during the explosion that destroyed his house."
(The Daily Telegraph)
Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami
in her knickers. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing
her Italian boyfriend.
The Manchester Evening News)
Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van,
because they cannot issue a description. It is a Special Branch vehicle
and they don't want the public to know what it looks like.
(The Guardian)
A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was
rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A Coastguard spokesman
commented, "This sort of thing is all too common".
(The Times)
At the height of the gale, the Harbourmaster radioed a Coastguard on
the spot and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was
sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind
had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff.
( Aberdeen Evening Express)
Mrs. Irene Graham (82) of Thorpe Avenue , Boscombe, delighted the
audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was
sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945,
she recalled "He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the
crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt
out "Heil Hitler."
( Bournemouth Evening Echo)
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A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made
to their passengers...
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay to your service. I
know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be
married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the
Westbound and go in the opposite direction".
"Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering
from A & E syndrome, not knowing his arse from his elbow. I'll let you
know any further information as soon as I'm given any."
"Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that
last Friday was my birthday and I had a great meal, hit the town and had
a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere
between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our
destination."
"Ladies and gentlemen, we apologise for the delay, but there is a
security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for
the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some
time together. All together now....'One hundred green bottles, hanging
on a wall.....'".
"We are now travelling through Baker Street . As you can see Baker
Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me.
Then I could have told you earlier. But no, they don't think about
things like that".
"Beggars are operating on this train, please do NOT encourage these
professional beggars, if you have any spare change, please give it to a
registered charity. Failing that, give it to me."
During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver
announced in a West Indian accent: "Step right this way for the sauna,
ladies and gentleman... unfortunately towels is not provided".
"Let the passengers off the train FIRST!". (Pause ...) "PLEASE let the
passengers of the train FIRST!". (Pause....) "Oh go on then, stuff
yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home...."
"Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please
hold the doors open'. The two are distinct and separate instructions."
"Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that
the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your
bags into the doors."
"We can't move off because some idiot has their f****ng hand stuck in
the door"
"To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the
second carriage - what part of 'stand clear of the doors' do you not
understand?"
"Please move all baggage away from the doors (Pause..) Please move ALL
belongings away from the doors (Pause...) This is a personal message to
the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train -
put the pie down, four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away from
the door before I come down there and shove them up your f***ing a**e
sideways"
"May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed
on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint,
it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage".
by 
Subject: A few tit bits from the newspapers 
